**Suspect Arrested in Connecticut Mall Shooting Injuring Five: “I Just Wanted to Get a Pretzel!” Claims Shooter**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the state of Connecticut reeling, a suspect has been arrested in connection with a mall shooting that injured five people. Witnesses report that the alleged shooter, identified as 32-year-old Chad “Pretzel Pete” McNugget, was aiming for a snack rather than a scene of chaos.
“I was just trying to get a pretzel from Auntie Anne’s,” McNugget reportedly told police while munching on a complimentary bag of popcorn. “I didn’t think it would escalate to this level. I mean, have you tasted their cinnamon sugar pretzels? They’re to die for!”
Eyewitnesses claim that the incident began when McNugget became frustrated after waiting in line for what felt like an eternity. “He was yelling, ‘I want my pretzel NOW!’” said local shopper Linda “I Just Came for the Sales” Thompson. “Next thing I know, he’s waving a gun around like it’s a giant soft pretzel stick!”
Authorities say that McNugget’s weapon of choice was a water gun filled with mustard, which he claimed was “the only condiment worthy of a true pretzel.” Police Chief Bob “Not the Mustard!” Johnson stated, “We’ve seen some bizarre cases in our time, but this one takes the cake—or should I say, the pretzel?”
As the dust settles, the mall has announced a new policy: “No more pretzels after 5 PM.” Meanwhile, McNugget is being held on charges of aggravated assault and excessive snack enthusiasm. “I just wanted to make a statement about the importance of mall snacks,” he said in a statement that left everyone scratching their heads.
In a bizarre twist, Auntie Anne’s has offered McNugget a lifetime supply of pretzels in exchange for his story, proving once again that in America, even the most chaotic situations can be turned into a marketing opportunity.
