**Gunman Still At Large Following Shooting Incident at Connecticut Mall: Local Residents Offer Unsolicited Advice**
In a shocking turn of events, a gunman remains at large following a shooting incident at the bustling Connecticut Mall, leaving local residents both terrified and oddly eager to share their thoughts on how to handle the situation. Witnesses reported that the gunman, who was last seen wearing a “World’s Okayest Dad” t-shirt, fled the scene after allegedly trying to rob a pretzel stand.
“I was just trying to enjoy my cinnamon sugar pretzel when I heard the shots,” said local shopper Betty “I’m Just Here for the Sales” Thompson. “I thought it was just the sound of my husband’s heart breaking over the price of shoes!”
Authorities are still searching for the suspect, who is described as “armed and possibly hungry.” Police Chief Bob “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” Johnson stated, “We’re doing everything we can to catch this guy. We’ve even put out an APB for anyone wearing dad jokes as a fashion statement.”
Meanwhile, local residents have taken to social media to offer their unsolicited advice. “If I were him, I’d just hide in the food court,” tweeted self-proclaimed mall expert and part-time influencer, Chad “I Only Shop for Likes” McGee. “I mean, who would look for a gunman next to the Sbarro?”
As the search continues, local businesses are reportedly offering discounts to anyone who can provide information leading to the capture of the suspect. “Buy one pretzel, get one free if you help us catch this guy!” shouted the owner of the pretzel stand, who is now considering a career in law enforcement.
In the meantime, residents are advised to stay vigilant, keep their pretzels close, and remember: if you see a man in a dad shirt, it might just be your neighbor trying to avoid the police.
