**No Death Penalty for El Chapo’s Son: A Major Blow to the Family Business**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the world scratching its head and wondering if they accidentally tuned into a telenovela, the court has decided that Joaquín “El Chapo Jr.” Guzmán will not face the death penalty in his major drug trafficking case. Instead, he’ll be sentenced to a lifetime supply of avocado toast and a mandatory subscription to “How to Be a Better Son” seminars.
Judge Juan “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” Rodriguez announced the decision, stating, “We felt that giving him the death penalty would be too harsh. After all, he’s just following in his father’s footsteps. And have you seen those shoes? They’re hard to fill!”
In a press conference, El Chapo Jr. expressed his relief, saying, “I was really worried about the whole death thing. I mean, I’ve got a lot of plans for my future, like starting a line of organic, ethically sourced cocaine. It’s all the rage in Hollywood!”
Meanwhile, his mother, Maria “I Just Want Him to Be Happy” Guzmán, chimed in, “I always told him that he could be anything he wanted to be. I just didn’t think it would be a drug lord. But hey, at least he’s not a lawyer!”
Critics of the decision have been vocal, with one anonymous source stating, “This is a travesty! If he’s not going to be executed, can we at least make him wear a ‘World’s Okayest Drug Dealer’ t-shirt? That would be justice!”
As the world watches this bizarre saga unfold, one thing is clear: El Chapo Jr. is living proof that sometimes, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. It just rolls into a pile of cash and questionable life choices.
