**Trump Administration Urges Federal Agencies to Terminate Remaining Contracts with Harvard: A Harvard Education in Comedy**
In a move that has left the academic world scratching its collective head, the Trump Administration has officially urged federal agencies to terminate any remaining contracts with Harvard University. The decision comes after a series of “unacceptable” incidents, including a particularly scandalous report that revealed Harvard students were using “big words” and “thinking critically.”
“Harvard is a breeding ground for elitism and fancy pants,” said former White House advisor and self-proclaimed “Expert on Everything,” Chuck “The Brain” McNugget. “We can’t have our federal agencies associating with a place that teaches people how to use a thesaurus. What’s next? They’ll be teaching them how to pronounce ‘quinoa’ correctly!”
The administration’s concerns were further fueled by a recent study conducted by the Department of Unnecessary Research, which found that 97% of Harvard graduates could identify the difference between a croissant and a baguette. “This is a national security threat,” declared Secretary of Education, Betsy “I Can’t Even” DeVos. “If they can tell the difference between baked goods, who knows what else they’re capable of?”
In response, Harvard President Lawrence Bacow issued a statement saying, “We’re not worried. We have a backup plan: we’ll just start offering online degrees in ‘How to Make America Great Again’ and ‘Advanced Tweeting Techniques.’”
Meanwhile, students at Harvard have taken to social media to express their outrage, with one student, who wished to remain anonymous, stating, “I can’t believe they’re trying to cancel us! I mean, we’re just trying to get a degree in ‘How to Be a Professional Overthinker.’”
As the Trump Administration continues to wage war on higher education, one thing is clear: Harvard may be losing contracts, but it’s gaining a whole new level of comedic material. Stay tuned for the next episode of “As the White House Turns,” where we’ll explore the administration’s latest plan to replace all federal contracts with a nationwide bake sale.
