**Title: Two Russians Claiming to Be Former Wagner Commanders Admit to Killing Children and Civilians in Ukraine—But They Just Wanted to Be “Influencers”**
In a shocking twist that could only be scripted by a particularly twisted screenwriter, two Russians claiming to be former Wagner commanders have come forward to admit their involvement in the killing of children and civilians in Ukraine. But wait—there’s a catch! They insist they were just trying to build their personal brands for a future in social media influencing.
“I thought I could get a million followers by posting ‘before and after’ shots of my military campaigns,” said Igor “The Influencer” Petrov, sporting a camo-patterned hoodie and a pair of oversized sunglasses. “Turns out, people don’t like that kind of content. Who knew?”
His partner in crime, Dmitry “The Filter” Ivanov, chimed in, “I was just trying to create a viral TikTok dance! You know, ‘The Civilians Shuffle.’ But instead of likes, I got a lot of angry comments. I mean, who doesn’t love a good dance challenge?”
The duo claims they were merely misunderstood artists, with Petrov stating, “We were just trying to express ourselves! You know, like Banksy, but with more explosions and fewer rats.”
When asked about their plans for the future, Ivanov said, “We’re launching a podcast called ‘War Stories and Wine,’ where we’ll discuss our ‘adventures’ over a nice Merlot. We’re also working on a line of tactical athleisure wear—because who says you can’t look good while committing war crimes?”
As the world watches in disbelief, one thing is clear: if these two can turn their war crimes into a social media empire, then maybe there’s hope for all of us. After all, who wouldn’t want to follow a couple of former commanders on their journey to become the next big thing in influencer culture? Just remember to like, share, and subscribe—because nothing says “I care” like a thumbs-up on a war crime!
