In a shocking turn of events, the Department of Homeland Security has announced that they will be awarding a whopping $94 million in grants to Jewish faith-based organizations to prevent ‘violence and terrorism’. Yes, you read that right – apparently, the best way to stop violence and terrorism is by giving a boatload of money to religious groups. Makes total sense, right?
When asked about the decision to award such a large sum of money to Jewish organizations, Secretary of Homeland Security, John Smith, had this to say: “We believe that by investing in Jewish faith-based organizations, we can effectively combat violence and terrorism. Because nothing says ‘peace and harmony’ like a religious group with a ton of cash, am I right?”
But not everyone is thrilled about the decision. In a statement released by the National Association of Atheists, President Sally McNonbeliever stated, “This is absolutely ridiculous. Giving millions of dollars to religious organizations to prevent violence and terrorism is like giving a cat a bath – it’s just not going to end well.”
However, Rabbi Goldbergstein of the Temple of Matzah Ball Soup in Brooklyn, NY, is over the moon about the news. “Oy vey, this is such a blessing! With this money, we can finally install that state-of-the-art security system we’ve been dreaming of. And maybe even get some new dreidels for Hanukkah!”
But the real question on everyone’s minds is: will this money actually make a difference in preventing violence and terrorism? Only time will tell. In the meantime, let’s all pray (and maybe do a little dance) that this $94 million doesn’t end up in the wrong hands. After all, there’s nothing scarier than a rabbi with a pile of cash and a mission to stop terrorism.
